What do you say to someone who has recently lost someone they care deeply about? I can think of five different individuals that were close or very close to my wife and I and we have always struggled to know the right thing to say and the right thing to do.
I personally have learned; it matters far less what you say. It matters that you are there and supportive. Even that can feel difficult and awkward. At any moment you could potentially say something that rips the flood gates open, and pain and emotion come spilling out.
A few weeks ago, a family friend of ours lost his wife to sickness. He knew it was coming but it does not make the loss any easier. My Dad spoke to him last week and shared his love and compassion. In the conversation he asked something to the effect of, what is helpful during this time? Our family friend responded
My favorite question right now is, what are you learning?
What a powerful question. It sets up the conversation for real human connection. It allows the individual to go as deep or as shallow as they feel. It creates a space for vulnerability which is a prerequisite for a strong relationship. I can see this question being extremely at strengthening any relationship you have, especially with those who have lost a loved one.
My plan is to start asking this question to all those around me and to be prepared to answer if they ask me in return.
My invitation to you is to find someone this week, ask them “what are you learning?”, and then listen with interest and intent. I would love to hear about your results.
